Sometimes I don't know quite what I'm doing with this blog. It's kind of an online scrapbook for me, where I record what we're up to. It's fun to look back at what we were up to a year or two ago. But the fact is that life is not all fun vacations and weekend highlights, and sometimes I get annoyed that this blog is full of happy fluff. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, and I think I'm finally ready to talk more about what's going on behind the scenes in our life. I know I only have about 5 people who regularly read this blog, too... so this post is more for me than for anyone. I just need to vent and talk about what's going on, and this seems like the best forum for me.
Joe and I have gotten to the point in our relationship where we're financially and emotionally ready to grow our family. We are excited about the prospect of having a child, but it turns out this is a much harder process for us than we would have imagined. We've now been trying to get pregnant since November, and it's been eight months of frustration and heartbreak. We were actually successful about three months into this process, too, and the loss of that baby around eight weeks has added so much emotion to this process.
This is such a weird time right now, because I desperately want to have a baby, but I have to continue going on with life in the meantime. I think about my desire to be pregnant constantly-- Whole Foods is crawling with pregnant women, my facebook feed is full of beautiful new babies, and I have numerous good friends who are expecting. My body will not cooperate, though, and this has left me pretty emotionally broken. I want to talk about it, but sometimes I don't know how. I have a few good friends who have been with me through this heartbreak, and they have been so good at listening, and asking, about what's going on. But I feel like I talk about wanting to be pregnant all the time to the people who know what's going on, and I hate how fixated I am on it.
It's sad how people are so afraid to talk about miscarriage. It's so hush hush, and different people respond to it different ways. Some people don't want to talk about it at all, and others want to share with everyone. I've mentioned to so many people what happened to us, and I think it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. They offer their sincere support and condolences, but then never really ask how we're doing, because it's a subject that most people feel we're not supposed to talk about. I don't blame anyone for this, and know the support is there if I need it, but it can be a really hard thing to ask for.
So if you're reading this, I guess I'm asking you to keep us in your thoughts. And also remember that everyone you know is probably hurting in some way. Sometimes we categorize grief, and feel like our hurt is not as serious as other situations. It can help to think, "Well, at least my situation isn't as bad as x, y, or z...", but really, it's ok to be hurting or angry or frustrated over your situation, no matter how minor it may seem. I've done a lot of that, thinking, "at least it was an early miscarriage, and a natural one, and I didn't lose a full term baby or a child." But the fact is I am hurting. Pushing everyday to be positive, and to think towards the future, but still hurting underneath. But I have hope, too. Hope my body will be ready to be pregnant again, and hope that someday Joe and I will be a family of more than two people. And I know when the time comes, it will be the sweetest feeling imaginable.